Wednesday, March 23, 2011

18 months without Crystal Meth; my goodbye message to you

This blog entry was inspired by a friend of mine who recently shared his good-bye message to his addiction.


It’s been one year since I last used you. I can say that my occasional weekend love affair with you is over now.    I wish I had never met you through a stranger on that website I used to frequent; I didn’t know who you were until that night. You kidnapped me, and for 7 years from the age of 25-32 you kept coming back to haunt me sometimes many weekends in a row, sometimes months in between last seeing you, and one time as long as 6 months without you.
Depression, anxiety, disgust, disappointment, fright, and loneliness; these were all feelings you gave me. You weakened me. You diminished my spirit. You were very controlling.  You took a shy boy out of his shell and gave me superman powers, and made me very outgoing.  You and the site I met you on played on my vulnerabilities.  I WAS powerless over you.  If you could have had it your way, I’d be dead right now.  You didn’t succeed in that mission, thankfully.
However, you succeeded at a few things.  Because of my love affair with you, and my lack of judgments when using you I became HIV + and contracted Hepatitis C; though I never stuck you in me. You found another way to give me Hepatitis C; And an underlying heart condition I have worsened.  Using you again, just once, could kill me.  I will not give you the satisfaction of my death; I am not ready to die.
Other than robbing of my health, you also robbed me of intimacy. Over the 7 years that you rolled in and out of my life – I didn’t know intimacy. To this day, you have taken that from me. I question if I can ever be intimate with another human being again. Time will tell, and hopefully I will get that back from you one day. That is the lost connection I miss most.
My departure from you was bitter-sweet. I knew I couldn’t separate from you without intervention. I sought the help from CMA, NA, psychologists, psychiatrists, and even an inpatient dual diagnosis drug treatment facility. I needed to rid you from me and unclasp the grip you had on my mind.  I did what I needed to do to stay away from you.  Do I still think of you, yes?  Though, now you are just a horrible memory to me and I will NEVER pick you up again. I have the tools and self-will now to say no to you.
Like I said, our departure was bitter sweet.  I do thank you for some things. You gave me reason to quit you when I found out about my dual diagnosis.  You have given me a voice to speak about my experiences, strength, and hope living with HIV and Hepatitis C; and the ability to speak up about you and your cunning, baffling, and powerful behavior.  I defeated you in that I cured my hepatitis C.  I wasn’t going to let you win that battle. Though, now unemployed I needed to do what was healthy for me at the time. While I loved my job in NYC, you gave me the reason I needed to leave and live a healthier and more productive lifestyle.
 I have found new direction in my life, a purpose to want to live and make a difference in the World, and a new found freedom without you in my life.  I have no doubt that great things are on the horizon for me.  You brought me closer to my Family and especially to my ill Mother awaiting a lung transplant.  Every day that I am alive on this earth I will rise up, stand out, and speak up about you, HIV/AIDS and Hepatitis C; you have given me a platform to do so.
You will never be given the satisfaction of seeing my die as a result of using you again.  I have defeated you. Good bye!
Kevin Maloney
Are you dealing with a drug addiction problem?  E mail me and I will help you find resources in your area to stop the madness in your life.  kevin@riseuptohiv.org


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