Monday, October 15, 2012

Poem Submission #19 "HIV inside of Me"

HIV inside of Me

There she was on stage awe-some and inspiring….
asking me to tell her:
“what’s inside of me”
while I am here, living with HIV
….what is inside of me….?? 

For years what’s inside of me was denial…
momentary breaks in denial to face the truth - only to submerge again…
into my sea of blindness and un-acceptance of my own situation…
Keep the denial alive with lack of communication….
Don’t want to express my frustration for fear of humiliation….
Stuck in a moment of pure deliberation, fear of salvation, not looking for stimulation
…if I keep it quiet maybe dissipation
…no temptation for motivation
…not wanting to acknowledge my current station
… maybe if I ignore it for long enough it might just
-go away…??

No…., like a child being ignored it just got louder …
until I couldn’t ignore it…because I couldn’t breathe
and when I went to the hospital they said I had PCP
… changing my HIV to AIDS …
and now what happens if I remain in my denial?
Time to rethink my life, my choices, my point of view.  
Time to evaluate my comfort zone and
it feels like traveling in my mind to some far away place
…Katmandu or Timbuktu…
but I have spent too long trying to overdo
fearing that someone would misconstrue
…and so I have kept silent.

I have children who have lived inside of me…
children that I brought into this world and nurtured and cared for…
Fearing they will abhor instead of adore
I have been silent for seven years and should I have told them before?
... Doubting myself…  causing me to deplore
Fear that they will, as I did, ignore
… me. 
So now I am forced to explore…
what this all means and how it fits into my life…
this HIV/AIDS, existing inside of ME…
and how it will affect my children who are looking to me…
to guide them correctly….
They might be hurt by the stigma attached to my medical condition.
How can I transition from my denial into a purpose for a mission
without providing my children with cognition of my current position?
I am full of ambition but I am not a magician….
and I am… afraid.

Fear lives inside of me. 
Fear to disclose,
fear to face possibilities….
I might just fade away….
And die quietly and then no one will be hurt
… and yet I am not the die quietly type of woman….
And…I don’t want to die

I want to live and love and be happy
and see my children become even more amazing than they already are
and how can I do that if I just fade away?
Living my life as if it is some tragic ballet?
Could I somehow be allowed a replay
starting somewhere around halfway?
At some point I went astray…
my own self, I did betray and
now my mistakes are here on display …
like some loud and obnoxious cliché’
…. to practice safe sex……

What’s living inside of me is the desire to be greater…
to speak louder….
To touch someone else so that they can know and understand that
they are not alone….
Be strong and loud like the powerful cologne
of someone’s not to subtle homegrown,
not to postpone to travel into the unknown….
To somehow atone
through an effort of knowledge like a cyclone
that hits hard, like the sun, not to be outshone. 
Like a long sad note played on a trombone….
Leading into a song of victory….
If not for me, than for somebody…
for my children, so they can be proud of at least one thing that I may have accomplished and/or stood for in my life,
which, may end too short, or may not… I don’t know.

I want to be loud and speak about it but there is fear inside of me.

-Robin Rawal
August 2012

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